Courtney Cicale, LMFT

The Neurobiology of Losing a Spouse

Courtney Lancianese — Thu, 12 Mar 2026 19:55:09 +0000

When someone loses a spouse, people often say it feels as though their entire world has changed overnight.

From a psychological perspective, that description is accurate. But what is less widely known is that grief is not only emotional. It is also neurological. The loss of a life partner requires the brain to reorganize itself in ways that can take months—or even years.

Modern neuroscience is beginning to show why this process can feel so disorienting.

The Brain Builds a Map of Our Relationships

Over time, our brains create internal “maps” of the people closest to us. These maps help us predict where our loved ones are, how they will respond, and how our lives fit together. In a long-term partnership, that map becomes deeply integrated into everyday functioning.

Think about how many small expectations exist in a marriage:
who you text when something funny happens,
who you sit beside at dinner,
who you expect to be there when you come home at the end of the day.

These expectations are not just habits. They are encoded in neural pathways built through years of shared experience.

When a spouse dies, the brain must slowly update this internal map.

But the brain does not learn instantly.

For a period of time, it continues to operate as if the person should still be there. This is one reason many grieving people describe moments of reaching for their phone to call their spouse, or briefly forgetting that the person is gone. The brain is still working from the old map.

Why Grief Feels Physically Painful

Another reason spousal loss can feel overwhelming is that the brain processes grief using many of the same circuits involved in physical pain.

Research shows that regions such as the anterior cingulate cortex, which helps regulate both emotional distress and physical pain, become highly active during acute grief.

This overlap helps explain why people often describe grief as a literal ache in the chest, or why the early days of bereavement can feel almost unbearable. The brain is not imagining pain—it is genuinely experiencing it.

Attachment Does Not Turn Off Overnight

Human beings are biologically wired for attachment. Neuroscience research has shown that bonding systems involving hormones such as oxytocin and vasopressin help create and maintain close relationships.

These systems evolved to keep us connected to the people we depend on.

The challenge is that when a spouse dies, those attachment systems do not immediately shut down. The brain continues searching for the person it has been wired to expect.

Researchers sometimes describe grief as a process of learning. The brain must gradually learn the painful reality that the loved one is no longer physically present.

This learning happens slowly, through repeated experiences of absence.

A Different Kind of Connection

Over time, many grieving people discover that the relationship itself does not disappear. Instead, it changes form.

Psychological research calls this the idea of “continuing bonds.” Rather than severing attachment entirely, the brain gradually integrates the loved one into memory, identity, and meaning in a new way.

In other words, the relationship continues—but differently. This is much of the work we do in grief therapy.

The neuroscience of grief reminds us of something important: the intensity of grief reflects the depth of love that existed. The brain is working to reorganize itself after losing someone who was woven into its very structure.

And while that process can feel confusing and painful, it is also evidence of something deeply human—our extraordinary capacity to bond with one another. Understanding the biology of grief does not take away the pain of loss. But it can remind us that what feels chaotic and overwhelming is, in many ways, the brain’s natural response to loving someone deeply.

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Stop Trying to Get Rid of Stress

Courtney Lancianese — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 21:45:43 +0000

As I’ve been talking with my clients, friends, colleagues, and family members, it is becoming more and more apparent that increased stress is something we are all experiencing in one form or another in the season of the COVID-19 outbreak and resulting social distancing. The economic impact of this pandemic alone is enough to send many families into a state of crisis. Combine that with transitioning to working from home (if you are able), limited social interaction, and widespread fear of contracting or spreading the virus, and you’ve got a recipe for some serious stress to take over.

Physiologically, stress weakens our immune systems. The stress hormone, cortisol, is your body’s natural alarm system when a triggering event occurs. This is often called the “fight, flight, or freeze” hormone, because when released, it prompts us to respond to traumatic or stressful events in one of those three ways. Cortisol is extremely useful when you’re in a forest and you need to run away from a wild animal. When we become over-stressed, however, in events (like the present) with no major stimulus to go running from, and lots of downtime to sit and ruminate in, cortisol can have detrimental health effects. The excess of cortisol has been associated with anxiety, depression, heart disease, GI issues, weight gain, and sleep deprivation, just to name a few.

As I sit and observe the general response to the events unfolding, I’m hearing more and more phrases I, unfortunately, do not view as entirely helpful. “Stay calm,” “Calm down,” “Don’t stress,” “Stop stressing…” You get it. Someone tell me – have any of those statements ever actually helped someone to do what they command? I may be alone here, but I personally have never magically stopped stressing because someone told me to. Honestly, the opposite effect usually ensues when these trite expressions are thrown at us. This is why I’m giving you a new set of instructions – STOP TRYING TO GET RID OF YOUR STRESS.

If we aren’t supposed to get rid of it, what do you do with all this stress? While nutrition and exercise are excellent, holistic ways to regulate cortisol, I’m going to share a technique with you that I use with clients weekly. Within this model, rather than get rid of your stress (which might not be totally possible), you get to repurpose it into a useful tool for your own success. Let’s talk about the WOOP method.

WOOP stands for:

WISH. OUTCOME. OBSTACLE. PLAN.

This method has been scientifically proven to help people achieve their goals and reduce their stress while doing so. Essentially, you use your worry to anticipate obstacles that might get in the way of achieving the thing you wish for. You use your worry to mobilize yourself and fend off those obstacles, which results in achieving your goal. It goes like this:

Wish – what is your goal? Within this time of social distancing, you could choose a wish like: maintaining solid connections with friends, maintaining productivity while working from home, staying healthy and avoiding the virus, or maintaining a healthy nutrition/exercise routine. For the sake of practice, let’s select the example of maintaining productivity while working from home. Depending on your situation, whether you have a lot of work to do at home or a little – you can always choose to use this time to focus on those creative projects you don’t usually have time for in the typical work week. So whether it’s working from home or just being productive with your time at home in general, our wish is increased productivity. Now that we’ve got our wish, let’s envision the outcome.

Outcome – what is the outcome you hope for? Visualize it, as specifically as possible. If we go with maintaining productivity while working from home, follow this sequence of thinking. When COVID-19 is contained and social distancing is over, imagine the growth you experience in your workplace because of all the time and energy you put in while quarantined. What will you accomplish over these next few weeks or months? Maybe you’ll launch an online platform for your company, or for yourself; maybe you’ll finish a book you started writing within your industry; maybe your boss noticed all your effort and when all is said and done, you get the promotion you’ve been wanting for the past year. Imagine the ways this outcome will impact your family relationships, your friendships, and other areas of your life. The idea here is, the more specifically you envision the outcome you want, the better.

Obstacles – This is where your stress comes into play to help us. Here you need to imagine all the possible obstacles that might get in the way of you achieving your goals. Give your cortisol permission to run wild and really try to use your worry to imagine anything that could get in your way. Continuing with the previous goal, maybe working from home is difficult for you because you find it hard to follow through. Maybe, like me, it’s hard for you to focus on one thing at a time so you get distracted. Perhaps you lack organizational skills when no one is watching you in an office setting. Now that we’ve used our stress to anticipate all that might get in our way of being more productive, it’s time to move on to the final step of the WOOP process…

Plan – This step involves specifically addressing each obstacle so that if or when it comes up, you’re ready to take action. If you tend to struggle with follow through, you might try breaking your tasks down into smaller pieces and using a task list as you progress. If focusing on one thing at a time is hard for you, plan to have Zoom or Skype meetings with colleagues while you work toward the same goal. Build accountability into your routine so that someone is checking in on your progress – maybe create a daily routine calendar on Google and share it with that person. Being as creative as possible with the obstacles will enable you to really plan for anything that could get in your way. By doing so, you are creating an effective map for navigating those challenges.

This was a simple example, and as I said, you can use this method with any goal. While we are in a position where we have so much time to be still and reflect, giving your own goals some extra attention by using the WOOP method could really help you reduce your stress as well as use it as a catalyst for change.

Getting “rid” of stress might sound nice, but it’s not exactly effective. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you’re feeling – even stressed out – and from this place of acceptance, explore your stress and transform it into an agent of change in your life. Watch as the goals you have for yourself make their way into your reality as a result. Oh, and also – let’s all agree never to tell someone to “calm down” again?

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What Life and Locksmiths Have in Common

Courtney Lancianese — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 18:50:04 +0000

I was enjoying a lovely Thursday morning-turned-afternoon of productivity when misfortune struck.

The electronic lock that protects my office door from the outside world decided to lose its battery while I was out of the office. Somehow, in the three minutes of my absence, without so much as a warning, my access to my phone, laptop, wallet, car keys, and (most importantly) coffee was stripped away.

I had never been in this situation before. A few things happened. First, I attempted to enter my personal code that I use everyday to unlock the door. Even though it hadn’t worked the first time, I assured myself that maybe I had been imagining the original experience. Much to my disappointment, the numbers did not light up nor did any sound become audible to indicate a shift in my fate. The lock batteries were, in fact, dead. Unable to cope with the reality of coffee being kept from me, I continued entering my code into the lifeless keypad. I must have tried it ten times. After awhile, I started frantically trying various combinations of numbers, then just pressing any and all numbers at the same time. All of this to no avail.

After my panicked attempts at resuscitating the clearly impervious lock, I stood in silence. I looked up – not a hundred percent sure why. It was just naturally what happened. If I’m being honest, in that moment of upward gazing silence, I felt really sorry for myself. All the pity feels sunk in full force. After all, what had I done to deserve this? I was working, doing what I was supposed to do, and on top of that, being cautious by securing the office when only stepping out for a minute! I didn’t deserve this.

What was I going to do? I was alone in my office. The holder of the non-electronic master key was incidentally out of town, and the only device I could use to call anyone was locked inside – with my coffee!!

To walk you through each step of the process that followed would take incredibly too much time and would probably lose your attention in the process. The thing is – you already know what I had to do. I had to ask someone, somewhere for help.

My regular resources were not available to me. The ways in which I normally communicate had been removed from my list of options. I had to think creatively and consult someone else on a solution to my problem, or else I would stay trapped in the lobby of my office building without my coffee for all eternity.

As I sat in a stranger’s office upstairs waiting on a phone call from a person whose name I wasn’t completely sure I was remembering correctly, insight struck me:

All of us have been locked out.

Losing someone you love suddenly.

Realizing your daughter is not the confident, carefree girl you once knew.

Experiencing a miscarriage.

Feeling heartbroken as a relationship ends.

Feeling trapped, constantly, in your own thoughts.

Never measuring up.

Each person has their own version of being locked out. When we encounter trials and difficulties in our own lives, we are oftentimes left feeling alone, staring at the sky in silence, feeling nothing but self-pity as we come to terms with the fact that all our resources and normal methods of communication have been instantaneously stripped away.

Like I pounded frantically at the keypad, pressing number after number, knowing all along there was no battery life to be found – we, too, try the same lifeless tactics over and over and over again. Doing so only drains us of the energy we could be using to come up with a new solution.

Just as I had to find someone else, anyone else, in order to get out of my lock-out situation, the only option in life’s lock-out moments is to get outside of yourself and choose human connection.

In isolation, the resources you possess are limited. In community, your resources are limitless.

As you’ve surmised by now, I eventually made it back into my office and thankfully, reunited with my coffee and other belongings. I could never have done so without the help of others and the unique resources they shared with me.

Therapy is one incredibly valuable way to begin the process of unlocking the door that is keeping you from whatever change awaits. I encourage you to reach out and begin the process.

If you’re feeling “locked out,” I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation. Call me at 754-300-6232 today.

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Finding Meaning in Suffering

Courtney Lancianese, MS, LMFT — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 18:08:14 +0000

I’m an advocate of dropping the Why question. “Why?” you might be wondering (see what I did there). I find the question is generally not helpful. I have seldom seen it asked and answered to satisfaction, in any given circumstance. When a growing child asks her mother, “Why?” every five minutes on a car ride, it is cute and curious. When an adult, however, is plagued with tragedy, the haunting nature of the “Why?” is not so cute and is curious in a much darker, more painfully abstract manner.

Rather than plague oneself with the unanswerable, I offer an alternative perspective and set of questions altogether. Rather than explain suffering (which we may well never be able to do), consider finding meaning in suffering. The questions that may be helpful on this journey, and which will provide answers – as well as new questions that arise as you continue the journey of thinking rather than knowing– look a bit different than “Why” and require more creative energy.

Finding meaning in suffering might take on the shape and color of a million different experiences and thoughts. It might begin with the question, What is it to be human? To be human is to grieve, and to love and to laugh and to mourn and to think and to despair and to worry and to be angry and to know joy. It is all these things and more. How can this time of suffering, this deep pit of darkness, actually be making you more human? Is that possible? Who else in history, or contemporarily, has suffered a similar loss? How have they found meaning in it?

The ones we might consider The Greats of this type of thinking – the mothers and fathers of existential quandary in the heart of pain – share a vast array of thoughts and opinions on the matter:

Victor Frankl said, “…man’s main concern is not to gain pleasure or to avoid pain but rather to see a meaning in his life. That is why man is even ready to suffer, on the condition, to be sure, that his suffering has a meaning.” Seemingly empty words, perhaps, until you consider their context. Frankl was an Austrian Holocaust survivor. He endured three years in concentration camps, which took the lives of his mother, brother, and wife. This was his story, and yet with it he wrote the words, “What is to give light must endure burning.”

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was quoted, “As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation – either to react with bitterness or to seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.” I wonder if he shared this sentiment with Reverend George W. Lee, who was killed for his activism in attempting to bring justice to Black Americans seeking voter’s rights in a time when they were vehemently denied them, or William Lewis Moore, who was peacefully walking a one-man march against segregation when he was shot and killed, or any of the other countless martyrs of the Civil Rights movement, of whom we cannot quote on meaning in suffering because they were taken from the world before they had a chance to make a statement on the subject.

Loung Ung, a survivor of the Cambodian genocide that took place from 1975-1979, recalls her own thoughts while suffering the brutality of the Khmer Rouge in a prison work camp: “I think how the world is still somehow beautiful when I feel no joy at being alive within it.”

Horatio Spafford penned the renowned lyric: “When sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, It is well with my soul.” He wrote these words following the tragic loss of his four daughters during a transatlantic voyage that was intended to precede a family holiday. Two years earlier, he had also lost his son to Scarlet fever.

C.S. Lewis contributed a raw collection of the thoughts, emotions, and experiences of his grief following the death of his wife, Joy Davidman, in 1960. In it he authentically wrestles with suffering, meaning, and utter despair. In his concluding thoughts on grief, he asks, “Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask – half our great theological and metaphysical problems – are like that.” He concludes his book, “The best is perhaps what we understand least.”

These great grievers who have gone before us can each tell us something about what it means to be human. Their words echo the quest for meaning in the midst of suffering. They have each contributed chapters to the great story of finding purpose in pain. Like them, we each possess the ability to continue pondering the subject to greater depths individually.

Each of us is writing a story. As a lover of stories and all mediums that contain them, whether they be books or bodies, I offer the solemn truth that no story is without value – yours included. What is the story you are writing at this very moment, in the heart of your sorrow? What themes are interwoven throughout that story, what hidden gems of beauty or truth lie within the seeming bits of chaos or uncertainty? What sense is there to be found in the nonsensical? How is your brokenness being rebuilt into something beautiful?

I offer these questions as the beginning of a new kind of journey for you. Become a part of the greater narrative – of those who have gone before you and of those who walk alongside you in the path of meaningful pain – to seek meaning and find it as you are transformed on your own journey through whatever grief confronts you, and toward whatever new chapter awaits.

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Dropping Comparison and Choosing Affirmation

Courtney Lancianese, MS, LMFT — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 19:00:06 +0000

I see clients for issues ranging from family conflict to severe depression to social anxiety. Each of these presenting problems is unique, and each issue will manifest differently in any given person. One common thread interwoven throughout the stories of every single person I see in the therapy room, however, is the monster we know and love as comparison. Undoubtedly, the tendency to compare – to others, or even to previous versions of ourselves, comes up every time a client begins doing the honest, raw, gritty work of embracing change.

I liken the comparison experience to wearing a pair of glasses every minute of the day. When you put them on, you see things differently than they actually are in reality. When wearing the comparison glasses, someone else’s story, standards, and successes become your proverbial measuring stick. You use another person to measure your own abilities, talents, gifts, and endeavors. Of course, the awful thing about the world as seen through comparison glasses is that you will never measure up to the story of another person – because their story is not yours. You are bound to experience friction and discontent when wearing the glasses, because you are ever and only aware of your difference from whomever you’re looking at. The other truth of wearing comparison glasses is that they always paint an inaccurate, grass-is-greener view of someone else’s situation. More often than not, what you see is all gain and no pain, which is never the case in reality.

My main man Teddy Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I can think of no more succinctly profound way to state one of the most evident truths I come across daily in the therapy room. The truth is, comparing our stories to those of the ones around us robs us of the unique joys of our own journey. This is why I encourage you, wherever you’re at today and whatever circumstances lie in front of you, to drop comparison (because let’s be real – it isn’t working for you). Instead, choose affirmation.

Affirmation is the voice you can always believe, because it tells you who you are – not who you are not. Think about that for a moment. Take time to identify the voices in your life that waste your energy telling you who you are not. Most of the time, these voices carry the distinct air of the lies informed by comparison. Don’t listen to them. Listen, instead, to the people and ideas that affirm you in your true identity.

Today, I dare you to have the courage to let go of this thing called comparison that is no longer serving you (and never was, if we’re being honest), and embrace affirmation in its place. Take off the glasses, and choose to see your world as it is, not as it is not.

Here’s a list of what I believe to be meaningful affirmations of identity, partnered with their counterparts of comparison myths, to be utilized in any challenge:

Comparison Myths	Affirmation Truths
I am inadequate.	I am enough.
I can’t do this.	I am doing this.
If only I had…	I am grateful I have…
I’m not as…as them.	I am uniquely gifted in…
I can’t take any more pain.	My pain has served a purpose in my journey.

Make these statements your own, and practice writing them down when you catch yourself wearing the glasses of comparison. Furthermore, I challenge you to choose to affirm others in their own journeys and watch the effect it has on both their life and yours. Generosity is always healing; as much as you may need to be affirmed in one of these simple truths today, someone you know may need the same. After all, despite what comparison would have you believe,
we are a lot more similar than we are different.

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The Seed Must Die for the Plant to Grow

Courtney Lancianese, MS, LMFT — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 07:04:47 +0000

I recently became a home gardener.

After spending weeks researching the most efficient way to build a raised bed, as well as carefully selecting the source of my soil, seeds, plants, and other needed materials, I set out on this entirely unknown world of growing and sustaining life in my backyard. I started composting, I learned about pH levels in soil, I learned about odd insects and fungi that can infect your innocent little plants for no good reason. I also learned the joy of progress – how amazing it is to watch something you sowed in the ground in the form of a nearly invisible seed sprout forth and grow into a beautiful, vibrant plant. The things I’ve seen and experienced in a few short months of gardening have given me numerous insights into nature’s way. Most significantly, though, I have seen the lens of grief anew in the cycle of life and death as observed in the garden.

“The seed must die for the plant to grow.”

These words were uttered to me in my earliest conversation with my would-be-garden-mentor, the first time I ever sought advice on how to sustain my little seedlings in this newly created environment. It was an idea I had somehow never considered. The process that occurs in gardening is just this – a seed is planted, and in order for life to grow from it, it must die. The life breaks free from the seed and sprouts into something new, leaving behind the shell of what once contained it.

The new life that is created from the death of the seed is exciting and vibrant, and (if successful), it produces fruit. You harvest the fruit – removing it from its source to be consumed – and watch as more is produced. All of this is very exciting, but there comes an end to every harvest. These seasonal occurrences were not dreamed up by any man; they are embedded into the natural rhythm of life. The seed must die for the plant to grow.

During my meaningful moments with grief support groups, we have processed these metaphors. The natural processes of life and death contain hidden gems of value for those walking the grief journey. In our most ponderous moments, we have wondered how we, as the ones grieving, can create the most rich environment in our lives now to promote growth after the loss of a loved one. What proverbial fertilizer, or water, or sunlight, can one apply for one’s own growth and wellbeing in times of loss? Additionally, what fruit is being produced right now, in this very moment of pain? Oftentimes, the richest yields come from the most storm-laden seasons.

A few months ago, I noticed my plants respond immediately to large amounts of rain. At first I thought this might mean I wasn’t providing them with enough water. After inquiring, though, I learned the atmosphere during a storm is rich in nitrogen, an element the plants long for, and this is what they respond to as they continue to ascend from the ground. I wonder what elements of growth the storms in your life are holding for you in this moment.

Whatever season you find yourself in, whether it be a time of deficiency or a harvest of abundance, I would ask you to consider the natural cycle of life that comes from loss. Certainly, no one rejoices that this is nature’s way. Loss is hard. Death is painful. And the loss/death in your life might not be of a loved one, but of a season, a relationship, a job, or a dream. Grief can look like losing your spouse or moving to a new city. It takes on many different shapes and it does not discriminate in its victims. To be human is to grieve.

Observing the garden, however, it is clear that sometimes (and I would say oftentimes) death begets life. We cannot change the way of nature, but we can choose to live in a way that works harmoniously with it. I invite you to consider what that looks like in your own life today.

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What to Do When You Don’t Want to Do Anything: Telling Depression, “No, Thanks”

Courtney Lancianese, MS, LMFT — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 07:17:58 +0000

Do you know what the term “anhedonia” means? When I pose this question to my clients, they usually mention a rare blood disease.

Because I enjoy writing and I also enjoy educating, let me tell you about the non-rare-blood-disease plaguing an overly depressed nation. Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure from things/activities previously found pleasurable. It’s that month of not wanting to get out of bed after a breakup; it’s the six months of not tasting food following the loss of a spouse. In its less aggressive forms, it is simply not enjoying the things that once brought you joy during a trying or particularly difficult season. And guess what? It’s one of the major symptoms of depression.

Certainly, experiencing less fulfillment than usual from a previously enjoyed activity does not mean you’re depressed. If you are depressed, though, you know the gloom of anhedonia like an old friend. And speaking of old friends – if you have a close friend struggling with depression, you can clearly discern the mark of anhedonia in their everyday life. Knowing what it is can be helpful, but what can one do to combat it? Here are 5 helpful suggestions for those fighting to create space to feel joy again:

Develop a Morning Routine

If you are experiencing diagnosable depression, the morning can be the most difficult time of day. You may not be sleeping regularly and most likely struggle with general fatigue as a result. Integrating a few small rituals into your first moments of the day can be hugely impactful in creating space to experience joy. Try morning stretching, breathing exercises, a few minutes of reading, or a walk around your neighborhood to get your mental & emotional systems of operation in full swing.

Practice Daily Gratitude

Solution-focused therapy hinges on the truth that attending to positivity over negativity produces real relational changes in real people’s lives. Want to see how that works? Check out my article on The Everyday Reframe. Gratitude is a simplified way of choosing to attend to the positive things in your own life. By making a daily list of just 3 things you’re thankful for, you can shift your entire mindset in just minutes. If it sounds crazy, try it for one week and see the results for yourself!

Go Outside!

National Geographic recently released an incredibly insightful article on the positive effects of nature on the brain. Studies abound highlighting the mental health benefits of being outdoors. Not only do those who spend more time outside experience reduced production of cortisol (a major stress hormone), but they were also observed to live longer than those with less exposure to the natural world. Do yourself a favor and break free of the four walls keeping you from the fresh air that awaits.

Less Screen Time with More Face Time

If this sounds like an oxymoron, you have proven yourself a member of the iGeneration and I commend you for reading a mental health blog at age 8. Seriously, though – screen time on devices like cell phones and computers has been tied to significant impairment in cognitive functioning across the board. Excessive screen time has been linked to everything from inappropriate dopamine release to less efficient sensory and information processing. My suggestion? Replace time on your phone with time building real, relational connection with other human beings. This could mean reaching out to a friend, spending more time in places where other people dwell (like coffee shops), or joining a support group. Find a way to connect with other people instead of with a lit up screen.

Seek Professional Help

It goes without saying (but I’m going to say it) that depression is a serious condition that must be treated by a mental health professional. Slight examples I used above (like not wanting to get
out of bed after a breakup) do not qualify for the diagnosis in and of themselves, but multiple symptoms manifesting at the same time call for an immediate need to seek support. The NIMH provides a more expansive overview of diagnosable depression, symptoms, and treatment options. If you or someone you care about may need professional help, reach out to a mental health professional for resources. My peers and I in the family therapy field are here to serve you.

Being bogged down by that feeling of not wanting to do anything can be paralyzing and isolating. If five ideas seem overwhelming, begin by implementing one of these today and choose to create space for a more joyful & fulfilling kind of existence.

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To the Grieving: How to Get Through the Holidays

Courtney Lancianese, MS, LMFT — Sat, 02 Jun 2018 19:05:02 +0000

If you’re here in South Florida, as soon as you perceived that half degree plummet from 85 to 84.5, you knew the holidays were upon us.

Now, in the first week of December, we have plunged fully into the heart of the holiday season. For those dealing with the recent (or not so recent) loss of a loved one, holidays mean something different than they do for the general population. You don’t necessarily have the privilege of sharing in all the hullabaloo surrounding the parties, decorations, and joy for tradition that you recognize in the people around you.

You may, contrary to them, feel overwhelmingly aware of how this year is going to be different than all the years before. If you’re carrying the backpack of grief this year, you may be wondering how you’re going to get through. If you recognize yourself anywhere in this description, let me give you just a few techniques that my lovely group members and me have come up with for making it through the holiday season:

1. Tell Sadness, “Not Today.”

You’re going to experience moments of overwhelm, and this is completely normal. You have the option, however, of setting a limit to the overwhelm you experience. If you have things to get done or tasks to complete, tell your sadness, out loud, “That’s enough.” Doing so will reinforce your knowledge that you can choose the moments you sit in your grief and the moments you put it aside.

2. Start a Journal

Writing down your thoughts and feelings will not solve your problems, but it can give you a sense of ownership over your emotions. Journaling isn’t for everyone, but if you feel ready I would recommend jotting down a few sentences each day.

3. Choose Connection

Isolation is a natural tendency of those experiencing grief. I encourage you to choose connection. Identify the people around you who support you and do one thing with them this season. Maybe consider joining a support group? (I recommend Life After Loss, but whatever floats your boat is cool with me). The idea here is – don’t let your grief shut you inside your house all by yourself. Choose to connect with other people, even if just in small doses.

4. Find Your “Me, Too”

There are a number of excellent books, podcasts, movies, and quotes I recommend to people on the grief journey. You don’t have to read or watch all of them, but pick one. Seeing yourself in the pages is cathartic. It promotes the principle of universality, which is what makes group therapy so valuable to begin with. It is healing to know someone else has shared the human experience you are facing. Want a list of my favorite recommendations when it comes to top-notch grief material? That will be coming in the next blog. For now, check out my Book List for a few ideas.

5. Repeat Our Mantra: It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it.

This sounds simple, and it is! We tend to overcomplicate our emotional experience and we end up arriving at a place where we think grief is the enemy and we have to fight it constantly. That’s exhausting. Give yourself permission to be human, and just allow those waves of grief to wash over you as they come.

Wherever you find yourself on the grief journey this holiday season, know you are not alone. So many in this city are enduring the same kind of pain you are. Connecting those people is what makes my job so rewarding.

So, a final word to the grieving: Don’t let the holidays keep you from connection. Use these simple tools to add some color to a time that can be dark, and watch the change that unfolds when you do.

The post To the Grieving: How to Get Through the Holidays appeared first on Courtney Cicale, LMFT.

When Grief is Winning the Battle, Use These 5 Resources to Fight Back

Courtney Lancianese, MS, LMFT — Fri, 01 Jun 2018 07:23:59 +0000

We’ve made it through the marathon of holidays we weren’t sure would ever end, and here we are in January of 2018. Congrats to us!

If these words comfort you, take the congrats. However, for some of us, congratulations do not feel in order. What you were expecting to stay in 2017 has silently drifted with you into the new year. You find that grief does not know the seasons, and it does not stay behind when we close one year and enter into the next. Grief is like that friend who keeps calling and calling when you never invited them to come to your house in the first place.

Grief is putting up as strong a fight in 2018 as it did before, so let’s fight back. As a New Year’s gift to all of you, I have documented some of my favorite grief resources to use in the upcoming year. Here are the Top 5:

Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant’s On Being Podcast Interview

In this 50-minute podcast, Sheryl Sandberg & Adam Grant introduce and summarize the book they co-authored, Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. Sandberg shares the narrative of her own personal loss in 2015, in which her 47-year old husband unexpectedly died while they were on vacation. This listen includes useful snippets of information for the grieving, including the definition of permanence – that feeling that you will never stop feeling this way (which Grant notes is totally common, and mostly untrue) as well as resounding truths like the value of not telling someone, “It’s going to be ok,” but rather simply being present with them. If you don’t have hours to devote to an entire book, this interview is a great substitute that will still leave you with a wealth of information.

C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed

For those in the thick of sadness, this quick read will resonate painfully and insightfully. Lewis’s personal journal entries following the loss of his wife to cancer, A Grief Observed chronicles the most desperate cries and common thoughts of someone who has experienced profound loss of a companion. This book, while solemn and sorrowful, is an honest reflection in the heart of loss, and an assurance to anyone who has experienced this type of pain that others have felt what you feel now.

Daily Exercise

The discipline of doing something active every day very closely parallels the emotional journey of grief itself. In grieving, you will fight to move forward. You are most likely experiencing some sort of fatigue, sleep loss, and appetite change depending on how recently you lost someone. Getting out of bed, let alone taking a walk outside, can feel like a fight. But choosing to move, to live in motion, every single day is sending a message to yourself that you are moving forward. Not only this, but exercise produces endorphins (as Elle Woods taught us all), and endorphins combat stress and produce feelings of positivity in our brains, even if only temporarily. Exercise is a resource you have access to all the time and it’s completely free. Start off slow with a 10-minute walk each morning and see how you feel after a week.

While most think of DIY home decorating projects and creative recipes when they hear this word, you would be surprised at how many incredibly therapeutic resources exist within the world of Pinterest. Check out my Grief board to get started, but once you dive into this well of quotes and exercises you will quickly see that click leads to click leads to hours’ worth of printable and helpful techniques for coping with loss.

Support Groups

You knew I was going to add this one! Audio, printed text, film, and online resources are profoundly valuable, however nothing parallels the experience of shared human connection. Walking into a room full of women and knowing they have experienced the same loss as you is powerful in a way a Podcast can only faintly shadow. Wherever you are, find out what groups exist around you. If you’re in Fort Lauderdale, you already know of one group that would be happy to add you to its numbers in the New Year.

Grief puts up a pretty intense fight, but I hope you know you have resources to equip yourself with and fight back. Sometimes “fighting back” might look like just allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling (Never forget the mantra!) and then moving onto the next daily task. Sometimes it will look like intentional time taking in information to make yourself stronger, from a book or Podcast. In meaningful moments with others, it can look like joining a network of supportive women who share your burden. Whatever resource you choose, I hope it brings you meaning where you are.

Happy 2018 to all the brave people walking into a New Year.

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